Almost two years ago...

Evan was born. And the world changed. I changed. It wasn't a conscious decision, there wasn't a moment of hesitation or question (though those came before and after). It was like one moment I'm just a guy, cheering on the most important person I'd ever met... So proud of her strength and courage (and yes, physical ability to some how push another living human being into the world)... But then the next moment, I'm a dad... Without learning how, I'm instantly connected to this gooey screaming alien child... And I can't take my eyes off him. I want to tell him that he's okay, and that I'm watching out for him and taking care of him. Even though everything happening around him and to him is incredibly traumatic and terrifying, I'm there for him. And I look at Christine knowing we have something so special at that moment... A family. We're parents. (I'm also very aware and thankful for amazing drugs that allow us both to be smiling and talking at this point.)

So fast forward to tonight... I hold him down to put eye drops in his pink-eye stricken eye, pray beside his bed, and kiss him on the head, knowing he'll scream when I leave the room. I go in an hour later, take the big wire with the wooden beads toy thingy off his bed, pull his cup out from under his side, and cover him up. Think about his newfound affinity for altoids, his pronunciation of the word 'daddy', how I never planned on calling anyone 'buddy'... But since the day he was born it just seems to fit. And I still have the deepest, most profound love for him (and his beautiful prego mama)... And I realize that part of the gift that a child is, is the experience of fatherly love, perspective, nature... It really is a gift.

So I go to bed thinking 'Jesus, we really need to name 2.0 before he gets here...' and realizing I'm about to go from being amused and amazed by ultrasounds, heartbeats, and belly-fluttering, to completely enamored and eternally connected to another human being... (one we still don't have a name for). Life is so weird.

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Do you ever get in the shower

and think, man I'm a spoiled American...  Showering every day is a foreign idea to much of the world.  There are millions of people who would love to have water to drink like the gallon I just used to wash the shampoo out of my hair and down the drain.

Is it mind boggling to anyone that we haven't figured out a way to make sure kids aren't dying around the world of too little food and water?  Because it is to me.  They had free cookies sitting out at the bank the other day, and somewhere some kid is literally starving to death.

And I feel so small.  I do my part, or enough to make me feel like I am.  But sometimes I wonder if we should all sell our tv's and furniture and computers and help someone.  I know...  give a man a fish...  Whatever.  Most Americans don't know how to fish (figuratively speaking)...  We hire out all the fishing to other countries, and make our money at the expense of incredibly impoverished people... and pat ourselves on the back for giving them something...  And I don't exclude myself from these charges at all.  I'm part of the culture responsible.

And in my own mind, when I'm not so contemplative as today, I'm struggling to get by.  Because the numbers on my bank account webpage aren't always the color I'd like them to be.  But I'm listening to world class music, streamed to great speakers (most definitely made in China), with comfortable shoes, a warm sweater...  You get the picture.

And I'm really glad I've been so bothered by this the last couple days.  I hope it bothers me enough to make me think of something I can do to change it.

inspired.

i just read a blog by my buddy josh harp, our creative services guy at rmcc. and it made me think, how long has it been since i've blogged... so here i am.

in my late night introspective state, i realize that i am not wired with a very prominent need to communicate. which is weird. i think everyone has some innate need to connect with other people, to share their thoughts and experiences, but mine is just sub-par. i think alot. kind of internal talking to myself, but it doesn't get out very often. and by the time it does, i've gone so far around the circle in my head that i boil it down to something so simple, that when i share it, people just look at me like "duh." christine probably gets more than anyone else, but even then...

so, at risk of just writing some "duh" stuff... here's what's been going through my head, as best i can remember. i am excited about opportunities for our church to reach out during the holiday season, and yes even already looking ahead to easter. but at the same time realize that christmas music in large doses can easily drive a man insane. i also realize that i love to create. much of what i do as a worship leader is basically 'covering' other people's music. (of course there's a spiritual side... worship is not just a coverband show) but musically i don't create much, mostly because i don't see a real need to. there's such amazing worship music out there (see hillsong, united, david crowder band) that there's not a pressing NEED to write new music... but i also realize i thrive on even little creative projects. (much more than communication obviously)

i've also been thinking about the church and Church. what words like missional, evangelism, relevant, spirit-filled, and maturity look like in a community of believers... around the world and specifically at 740 n power rd in mesa, az. change is happening, and it needs to. but throughout history there are obvious changes that everyone takes notice of right away, but there also always seems to be something so obvious going on that the vast majority of people don't see, either a change occuring under the radar, or a change that needs to be made, that no one seems to notice... but i would always want to be the one who does. even if it makes me weird. to be like the prophets in the old testament... to see through fads, and not just go with the flow... but also inspire and promote healthy change and fresh vision to the Church. to see what God sees.

it really comes down to a couple things... i want to see people have fresh water, food to eat, healthcare for their kids... i want them to know that Jesus loves them, and show them in real ways. i want to serve with a right motive- love for and obedience to God. i want to love people as i love myself, but out of love and obedience for God. and to have an eternal perspective above everything else, to recognize that spiritual needs are always the greatest, and that meeting physical needs should point to that conversation. people need Jesus. they don't deserve Him. i don't deserve Him. but we all need Him. to recognize what seperates us, take hold of his sacrifice to remedy it, and start a lifelong pursuit to know Him as intimately and practically as possible.

and really, i stink at it. i think most of us do. we need the Spirit of God to stop us in our tracks, and change our hearts, so that our behavior will become more like Jesus. but often it doesn't seem that He does, until we give him a little time to get a word in edgewise. to be still and know who he is. think about who He is. to find certainty in our hearts that He alone is God. and when we discover the life-changing power in that, to make it a discipline, but a relational one. not develop religion around our formula, but to keep a perspective that puts utmost value and importance on knowing Him. and making Him known.

wow. maybe i do like communicating. or maybe i just enjoy typing and rambling late at night. either way. the time has come to go.

it's been a while...

since I posted anything on here... The other night I just opened up a blank word doc and started writing. This is all just stream of consciousness, but it's just stuff I've had floating around in my head, as I'm preparing to start a LifeGroup with a worship focus... Enjoy, think, and respond, if you so choose. :)

I believe in a God who cannot be manipulated. A God who knows the content of every man’s heart, the blueprints of every psyche… He knows your buttons, better than anyone, better than you.
And though God possesses emotions, (He’s no Dr.Spock), those emotions aren’t moved by the same fickle things ours are. Temporary circumstances, time, waiting, shortsightedness, lighting, music, outward beauty, emotional outbursts (positive or negative) from others…

He is moved not by worship that is beautifully poetic, aurally stimulating, visually stunning, well-orchestrated, well-performed, difficult to achieve, simple in form, or extremely complex (for those reasons). The worship SONGS that move us DON’T move Him, and he doesn’t have a favorite.

He is moved by hearts that are DEVOTED to Him. He is emotional about PEOPLE that he invested a great deal to save. He is passionate about seeing a dying world snatched from eternal flames by people who know Him enough to care about what he cares about.

He doesn’t celebrate achievements, perceived perfection, or great efforts as much as a repentant heart, or an obedient child.

He is not moved by the wording or content of a prayer (or song). He is moved by the one who prays it. He is not moved by the plea of the sinner, but by the faith, brokenness, and repentance that causes the sinner to make his plea... the heart behind the plea.
GOD IS HOLY. He is “other-than” us… He is not like us. We are made in His image, but exist mostly in a world limited by 5 senses. We prioritize our felt needs above what He would deem of utmost importance. We worry about things that God doesn’t think twice about, yet many times fail to consider the deepest passions of our Father’s heart. It must be heartbreaking for Him…
Yet He is not a God, a priest, a king, a friend unfamiliar with our fatal human-ness. He is well aware of our weakness and temporal tendencies. He is COMPASSIONATE on us, as we walk around trying to follow a fuzzy, dim picture of who we see Him as, and dreams for the day that we will finally see the big picture… As those who long for His return share the same dream.

We deceive ourselves if we think that our “WORSHIP”, our SACRIFICE of praise is more important or enjoyable to God than our faithfulness and obedience to Him. We DISTRACT ourselves from the LIFESTYLE God has called us to, if we PLACE TOO MUCH EMPHASIS OR IMPORTANCE on what we as a modern Christian sub-culture have deemed “worship”.

I believe in a God who is perfect. Every command, whether it seems fair to me or not, is at the same time just and full of love. I believe in a God who is a perfect Father. He disciplines those he loves. He is always watching and present… Yet doesn’t intervene in every situation, for the ultimate good of His children, His family. He provides, gives gifts, makes plans, and displays a pattern for us to follow. He sacrifices Himself.

He is idealistic. He is realistic. And has a plan to make the two co-exist. :) He is ultimately just. He will seek revenge, punish wrongdoing, reveal secret sins… Every human being should shudder with fear. But he is extravagantly loving and merciful as well. Willing to forgive and show mercy to us. Praise Jesus, our Redeemer, Mediator…

You don’t have to conjure the Spirit of God with drums, singing or shouting. He doesn’t come in SONGS and loud noises… But many times a still small voice. I am always, by nature I think, skeptical of my own emotional responses… Because I know how deceitful my heart is and how fickle my emotions are.

But the times in my life that God invaded the situation, in spite of chaos, in spite of my own carnality, in my moment of weakness and UNMISTAKEABLY reveals Himself in a still, small, voice. I’ll remember those moments more than amazing miracles… Because they are solid rock moments of my faith. Moments that were unmistakably… HIM.

So why have I decided to make a career of leading corporate worship at this point in my life?

First, I believe this is what God has for me at this point. But my motivation... I want people to MEET GOD, see themselves in the light of WHO HE IS (grace, holiness, mercy, justice, perfection, compassion, omniscience, omnipresence, forgiving, forgetting our sins) and corporately and individually pledge themselves in worship. With the END RESULT of LIFE CHANGE and a LifeStyle that is OBEDIENT and GLORIFYING of God.

I love music. It moves me. And it moves alot of people. It disarms people. It teaches people. It’s a powerful tool. It can create atmosphere and environment. It is THE EASIEST way for God’s people to simultaneously unite themselves in corporate prayer. It is the most repeated command in the bible.

I love worship. I long to be the worshipper God desires. I want to go deeper in my relationship with Him, and love leading a congregation of people who feel the same.
I want God to love coming to church. He’s never missed a service, and never will. But I want HIM to be glad He came.

I want to be a part of equipping the saints to be salt, light, ambassadors of Christ, of God’s Kingdom to the earth… To be citizens of heaven where worship is like American TV… It's never off the air. :)